Everything is Different

You walked right out…
Out of my life and out of the cataclysm that was our relationship
you left.
Left me to hurt and to be lost in my thoughts
lost in myself
lost in your decision
i’m torn.

All things discussed,
issues revieled exposed like flesh under scab
to be salted…
twist that knife a little to the left and don’t forget
the pinch of lemon…
my days are so painful now
My routine is thrown off
No morning calls of I love you and
No falling to sleep with ur voice the last one in my ear.
You bounced.

After living out dream in Febrary no one saw the storm
brewing for March… like that we were gone
and things were different…

Something Different

I’m going to start posting my works in progress and just adding to them. You may comment on them at any given point in the process. I believe that this will be an easier way for me to develop my writing. Rather than waiting for a piece to be completed in my head i will share what has germinated so far and then feed it until it has fully grown…

My Apologies

I’m sorry for hurting you.
In my fit of self loathing and my own feelings I hurt you.
I ignored the signs and told myself that I’d done the right thing.
I’m sorry for loving you.
In my reaching for excellence in love I’ve hurt you. The process isn’t perfect but I unrealistically try to be.
I’m sorry for trying too hard.
In trying too hard I didn’t do the simplest of things to keep things afloat.
In trying too hard I opened up old wounds the had long been healed. I’m sorry for that.
I apologize for hurting your feelings, hurting your heart and changing your mind.
I’m sorry that I’ve possibly destroyed any chance at a future that we’d have.
I’m sorry that this has come to pass but I can’t change what has happened.
All I can do is ask for forgivness and acceptance of
My Apologies.

Growing Pains

I feel as though sometimes I am not worthy.
I’ve been put in positions where I’m not comfortable with the possibility of a positive outcome.
I’m miserable
Most folks like me know that they are fully capable productive human beings they just don’t know how to tap into it.
I know the world is my oyster and all those other catchy little anicdotes that people like to use;
However, u can’t get to the edible part of the oyster without a schucking knive and knowledge of how to crack that baby open.

I feel under prepared to be an adult.
Some folks say that its because I’ve been so sheltered and never had to do anything major on my own.
I can’t say I fully disagree.
I’ve never had to go without anything of necessity.
I’ve never had to wonder where my next meal was going to come from.
I’ve never had to fear eviction or inability to pay rent.
My worries have been minimal and some see that as a limitation on my life experience.
I consider it a blessing to not have that much worry in my short 28 year of life.

I can’t reall the last time I made a major decision other than the one to shop my hair.
It felt good and I felt free, but not fufilled.
I don’t feel complete, I don’t feel stable
I feel lost in my own dreams with no solid plan to make them come true.
I’ve always been handed some sort of answer or guiding light;
I think now that I’ve gotten older its harder to absorb what helpful infomation people give me because there’s a need for me to just, “do it on my own”.
U can’t do something perfectly the first time around without experiencing it. Unless u are just lucky.

My baby tells me to not be afraid to fail. Don’t fight against the process of life. Live through it.
I’m not accustomed to failure. I’d gotten every job i’d ever interviewed for until recently. I’ve been shot down three times for jobs I felt I was qualified for.
Not the ideal confidence booster. I’m stuck in a position where there is no chance for growth and I’m burnt out.
Being thankful to have a job u hate is hard.
She told me to look at what I do have and show gratitude and appreciation for that and then what I really want will fall into place.
I’m skeptical.

I’m kinda bahumbug about things. Its something that comes and goes but recently its been staying.
When things don’t work out its been harder for me to shake it off and move on to the next challenge.

I’m a work in progress is what I’m getting at. I’m trying to learn and grow but I guess fear gets in the way; but only if I let it.

~Blulightz
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What She Wants She Already Has

She has everything she’s ever wanted
But is lacking essential things she needs
Her wants and needs confused and coerced
By what she’s been told to desire

Her whole world turned upside down because
She won’t accept what she has.
Constantly running from what makes her happy,
Too afraid of actual happiness
She pushes away the most basic need to reach
For someone less conviencing.
Someone less worthy.
Less valuble.
Less willing.
She’s vulnerable and doesn’t like it
She’s open and afraid
No amount of wisdom could prepare her for this
Her natural reaction to flee
She laces up her running shoes to escape this
Feeling all the time not understanding she’s leaving the most important thing she’s been needing.

After years of abuse and neglect at the hands of one too many she is too afraid to get that close again
Advice she gives tainted by her years of mistreatment
She knows what she thought Love was, but has no real concept of what Love truely is.

Two failed marriages and a total of 4 abusive relationships later, she’s a work in progress that often has to regress before any real progress is made.
You can’t run from a past that u refuse to leave behind you.
A constantly smiling face and jovial nature can only mask the pain for so long.
You stunt your growth with your own lack of acknowledgment.
She is in some ways exactly like me and in other ways a complete stranger.

~Blulightz
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Sun’s Up

Every morning I awake to
An image of our love captured in time
Embraced in a kiss
Eyes closed
Lips intertwined
Hearts beating as one.
In Love.

~Blulightz
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Ain’t No Magic Lamp

I wish I could fufill my heart’s desire live its dreams daily.

I wish that she could commit to me all the energy she commits to them and nourish the sleeping champion within me.

I wish codependence had a miracle pill,
a wonder drug that in daily doses would free me of these in-visible chains connected to my heart via my brain.

I wish that exceptance and acknowlegment weren’t requirements and that exisistance and breathing were acceptable enough.

I wish that the heart and head were seperate functioning entities, neither reliant on the other for function or exisitance.

I wish for humans to exist without the basic needs of love and shelter, for us all to be self reliant and sufficent.

I wish that parents didn’t impose their short-comings on their children and expect them to be over-acheievers.

Why is it that the love of God that lives in me not sufficent to sustain me? Do I not believe enough? Do I not pray enough? Am I not intune?

Out of sync, out of touch.
At times I wish I didn’t need to feel so much.

I wish I had a magic lamp.

~Blulightz
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Lappy Died

So my laptop too a swim with some soup. Some of my pieces that are my best works are stored on the harddrive. Please pray that I can get the stuff off the harddrive.

~Blulightz
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I’m So.. (free write)

I’m tired of being the only one.
Tired of being the me id always been, the me that u always expected.
I’m growing so I’m changing which leads me to be sooo tired.
Its difficult trying to relearn who u are. Its hard trying to become assertive in areas where before the answer was always right there.
You can’t expect to move much if ur feet are cemented in the same spot year after year;

Challenge after challenge I hit reset countless times and kept repeating the same trend.
Being drawn to the same bullshit I just left this time with a different face
I scratch and claw my way to something better. Something new
Someting deserved
Some things earned
Ill never settle again, I know what it takes to win and

I’m ever so much more ready than I was before to attack this dream with my legs running full speed before they ever touch thr floor.
I’m running with direction and a guiding light. With blinders on I shake the haters to my left and my right
I’ve started this race at too fast of a pace and I feel like all things can and need to be done at once when in reality
They don’t.
I’ve been moving so fast that I’ve forgotten the beauty in taking thingw slow.
I’ve forgotten that grass has more than one shade of green and that birsds come in almost as many colors as fish do.
I’ve forgotten that babies aren’t babies forever as they will learn to crawl, then walk then run through life like I do.

Attaining my dreams makes me forgetful.
Or is it just my dreams that I’ve forgotten?

~Blulightz
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Hate on Hater

I’ve been thinking about how folks say haters are the greatest people you can have in ur life. They often say if no one is hating u then u aren’t doing something right.

Why is our success measured by how much more we have or do than others? I mean I don’t consider myself anyone worth envying. Yeah I have a degree which hasn’t landed me my dream job or even a job that’s worthy of my full gambit of talents.vMy car is sensible and not flashy or over the top. I live and do things within my means. What’s so incredible about that? What about the afore mentioned things makes me so damn “hateable”?

~Blulightz
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